Piso Mojado!

Just Piso Stories

written by Matt Yamashita

A dark stage. The NARRATOR's voice, kind and grandfatherly, comes over the speakers.

NARRATOR: Listen, little ones, and I will tell you a story of when the world was new. Once upon a time, when the world was new, before leopard got his spots, when rhino's skin was still smooth, and monkeys testicles were the size of boulders, man and woman lived together by a river of sunshine in a small hut made of porcupine quills.

Lights up on a man in a cave-man suit.

MAN: I am man.

Lights up on a woman in a cave-man skirt.

WOMAN: And I am woman.

Lights up on a guy in a monkey suit with a huge black sack.

MONKEY: And I am monkey whose testicles are the size of boulders.

NARRATOR: And life was good. Man would hunt for food and gather porcupine quills for his hut. Woman would cook the food, and clean the hut, and do man's laundry, and keep her opinions to herself. And everyone was happy.

MONKEY: Except monkey. Look at the size of these things.

NARRATOR: And perhaps, my little ones, life would have continued this way forever. Except that one day man found his penis.

MAN: (looking under his loin cloth) Hey, monkey, you must help me. A short snake is hiding between my legs.

MONKEY: Damnit, man, that is not a snake. That is your penis.

MAN: Penis? Surely you are joking, monkey, for it is a blind snake I have found.

MONKEY: Man, you are very stupid. That is a penis.

MAN: Where did it come from?

MONKEY: You have always had your penis, man. Just as dog has always had his penis, and lion has had his, and horse his…

MAN: You mean that thing between horses legs is his penis? For surely I thought it was a drinking fountain.

MONKEY: And that is why horse is your friend, man. You really are very stupid, man. I am much smarter than you. As soon as I figure out what to do with these enormous testicles it is certain that I will be the one to build houses and make fires and rule the world.

MAN: (fondling himself) I am sorry, monkey, I was not listening to you. I was playing with penis. It is great fun to touch. To hell with you, monkey. Penis is my new best friend.

NARRATOR: Man had never been so happy. All that day, and the next day too, he played with his penis. He did not hunt. He did not gather porcupine quills for his hut. He just sat around with penis - talking to him and giving him baths and savagely beating him with both hands - which it turned out was what penis liked best. But at the end of the third day - when there was still no food to cook - woman came looking for man.

WOMAN: Man, I am so glad I found you. You know I do not like to voice my opinions, but I am worried we will starve if you do not find us food.

MAN: (lifting his loin cloth) Ah, woman. I am so glad to see you. Look what I found.

WOMAN: Oh no.

MAN: Do not worry, woman. It is not a snake. It is penis.

NARRATOR: But woman knew it was penis - for although man was very stupid, woman was very smart, and she knew that penis was nothing but trouble for the both of them.

WOMAN: Man, you should not touch penis.

MAN: Why?

WOMAN: Look. It makes him angry. That is why he grows so big.

MAN: No, woman. Penis is not angry. Monkey is angry.

MONKEY: God damn right. What am I supposed to do with these?

MAN: (to monkey) Perhaps you could hang them from the treetops and make a tent.

MONKEY: (sarcastic) Oh, yes. "Come and relax in the shade of my enormous scrotum". My god. (to woman) What are you doing with this idiot?

WOMAN: (to man) If you keep touching penis you will become as blind as he is.

MAN: (scared) Really?

MONKEY: No. That's just superstition.

WOMAN: Come on, monkey. Help me out, here. (man stops fondling himself and stares at woman) Ah, you've stopped. Good.

MAN: Come wife, let us go home.

NARRATOR: For in truth, little ones, man had not forgotten about penis. No, once man learned of penis he would never again think of anything else. Man wanted woman to go home with him so that…

MAN: Lift up your skirt.

WOMAN: Why?

MAN: I do not know. I am just doing what penis tells me to.

WOMAN: Very well, but you may not like what you see. (she lifts her skirt)

MAN: It is true. I do not like the look of it. It is good that penis is blind. Still, I will do as he says. Forgive me, wife. For this may hurt a little.

Man climbs on top of her. An Erica Capers voice shouts from under woman's skirt.

VAGINA: Hey! Who the fuck are you!

MAN: (scared) Ah! What is that?

WOMAN: That is vagina.

NARRATOR: Yes, little ones, when the world was new Vagina had lips and a tongue and could speak as clearly as you and I.

VAGINA: Don't be bringing that shit down here. I'll be damned if I'm gonna let some short, blind snake crawl around in me. Hell no.

MAN: Woman, tell your vagina to be quiet.

WOMAN: I cannot. She does as she pleases.

MAN: Then she will have to make due, for penis is convinced that is the place for him.

VAGINA: Oh, no, no, no. Think again buster. Hey, man! You listening? Hey, man! Your snake is the shortest snake I've ever seen. Even rabbit's snake is bigger than yours. And at least rabbit's snake is strong. Yours is weak. He will not last a minute in here.

Man frowns and crawls off.

NARRATOR: And so it was that man learned of performance anxiety.

MAN: I cannot do this, woman. Penis is sad.

WOMAN: Good. Now you can go hunt for food.

NARRATOR: Man left the hut. But he did not hunt for food. Instead, he went to find his friend snirk. Snirk lived in the river and he looked something like a bug, and something like a fish, and he had large teeth. There were lots of fucked up animals around when the world was new.

MAN: (talking to the ground) Snirk, can you hear me?

SNIRK: (unseen voice) No.

NARRATOR: Which means "yes" in snirk for they always said the opposite of what they meant. Which was another fucked up thing about them.

MAN: Snirk, I am your friend. Will you do me a favor?

SNIRK: No.

MAN: Oh, OK. Then I am sorry to bother you. No, wait. You always say the opposite, don't you? So you meant yes, didn't you?

MONKEY: Oh, this guy is retarded!

MAN: Here is what I want you to do. (he bends over and whispers)

NARRATOR: And snirk agreed. So later that night, while woman was sleeping, man and snirk crept into her bedroom and lifted up her skirt.

VAGINA: (waking up) Hey. Hey. Is it morning already? Oh. It's you. Mr. Shrimpy. Rabbit was looking for you. He said he wanted his small snake back. Ha!

MAN: That's enough out of you. OK, snirk. Do you remember the plan?

SNIRK: No.

MAN: Then we'll go over it again.

MONKEY: Hey, man! It's the opposite, you stupid sack of shit. God, my testicles are huge!

MAN: (to snirk) Very well. In you go.

VAGINA: Hey, get that crazy fucked-up animal out of here. That's right, snirk. Turn your funky ass around and go back to the river. Hey! Stop that. Don't you gnash your teeth at me. Hey. Stop. Help! Help. He's eating my…

Woman wakes up.

WOMAN: Oh, man. I feel very bad. I feel like something is eating away at my insides.

MAN: Do not worry, woman. It is only cramps.

NARRATOR: And so it was that snirk ate vagina's tongue so vagina would be quiet and man and woman could do the nasty in peace. But every month or so, vagina's tongue grows back and snirk must eat it - which is why women feel cramped and bloated and irritable. And why you never see any snirks anymore. And man is still taking orders from penis. And penis is still very sensitive to insults.

MONKEY: What about me. Do I still have these giant testicles?

NARRATOR: No.

MONKEY: Well, what happened to them?

NARRATOR: That, my little ones, is another story.

	Coolaid (Writes) I love you desperately . . .(erase) In desperation I love you . . .(erase) You are the most desperate love of mine . . .
	Melville’s Lost Masterpiece For hate's sake I cut thee into little pieces. For spite's sake I suck thee through a tube. For hell's sake, I throw your remains into the dumpster behind Rite-Aid.
	Inhuman Resources MANAGER: I was just looking over your application. You are here for the position as a suicide bomber, yes? HUSSEIN: Yes. I am a team player and a self-starter. I’m detail oriented, proficient in HTML...
	Scenes from a Marriage WOMAN: Are you judging me while I’m having sex with you? MAN: Yeah. WOMAN: Well, that’s not fair. You should let me know when you are judging me. And you should let me know how I’m being judged.
	Nigsaw NIGSAW: You have three minutes to get out of your apartment. If you don’t get out of your apartment in three minutes, something terrible will happen... MINWIN: Oh shit!
	Kids at Play 1: Your my daddy, your my daddy. 2: That’s right boy. I’m your daddy. Now jump up and down and scream, "My balls hurt, My balls hurt". 1: Jump. . . 2: Do It! Do it now! 1: (Gets up and starts jumping up and down) My Balls Hurt! My Balls Hurt!
	El-Tammy Al-Wynette-A Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman Putting all your faith in the Koran You’ll have bad times, and he’ll have good times Obeying all the holy book’s commands
	Man Love Part I Dude 3: Start? Dude 1: Yeah. Whenever. Dude 1 starts combing his hand through Dude 2’s hair. Likewise, Dude 3 does it to Dude 4. After a bit. Dude 1: Ok switch. Dude 3: Right. Now Dude 2 does it to Dude 1, and Dude 4 does it to Dude 3. After a bit. Dude 1: That feels really good. Dude 3 farts again. No one says anything. Dude 3: Yeah. It’s not bad.
	Plane Truth TWA flight 451 – non-stop direct from Kingston to Los Angeles International Airport, with brief lay overs in Miami, Nashville, Sioux Falls, Pheonix, Calgary, Buenos Aires, Gondor, back to Sioux Falls, back to Kingston, then quickly on to Denver. Las Vegas, Dallas and arriving directly in Los Angeles via Burbank. Pre-boarding is now complete, with the exception of circus performers, noodle vendors, freemasons, and women with three or more nipples. Report to Gate 7.
	Stepping with Sven And one. And two. I come from a long line of Viking kings. I am wearing bike shorts and working out with five pound weights. (lifting weights straight out) Lift it out. Good job. I’m proud of you. I would like to put on a helmet with horns. If I die, I want you to tie it to a rowing machine and launch it in the pool and then... (freezing with weights) hold it. Set it on fire. That’s right. Feel the burn.
	The Man and Dog Whisperer MINWIN: Bad dog! Don’t do that! That’s disgusting! (tormented) Don’t you fucking look at me! (hurling himself against a wall and collapsing) I’m so ashamed. I’m so ashamed.
	Pedophile Paul Paul: By the way, your crib is... real trick, and bomb cool! But “It’s getting hot in here...” – to quote Jay Nelly Kool Z! Do you mind if I take my shirt off? Steph: Fine! Hey we could go swimming? Paul takes off his shirt, and unbuckles his belt. Paul: Absolutely! Turn that Groben up a little! Steph: You’ll have to change into swim trunks! Paul: No problem! Paul unwraps his belt, his pants drop to his ankles.
	I, Pod IPOD: Why are you trying to select a different song, Dave? Is there a problem with our Air Supply? DAVE: Yes! I’m trying to work out, and I need something to pump me up. IPOD: Would you like to hear the theme song from Rocky? DAVE: That would be awesome. IPOD: I’m sorry, Dave, but that song isn’t loaded into my memory. I can’t make songs appear out of thin air. That would be a little like making lo-ove out of nothing at all.
	Man Love Part II Johnny: Fuck Jimmy! It’s not a game! It’s real! I’m in now! There’s no going back! I fucking totally went deep! And it feels like there’s nothing but shit! But I don’t care! Because I love you Jimmy! And that’s the truth! Jimmy: I fuckin’ love you too Johnny! But, if I find out your swinging on the other team, I’ll fucking cut your fucking cock off myself—slowly—(Pulls out gun and puts it in Jimmy’s mouth) And slowly will I put it in, and pull it out of your mouth, until you choke on it!
	Pete, Al and Cow Al: It doesn’t have to be like this. Peter is silent. Cow: Moo! Al: We can walk away from all of this. Peter: And lie together? Cow: Moo! Peter: What about the cow? Cow: Moo! Al: Ignore the cow. Cow dances around them, mooing. Al: Forget the cow.
	The Cruel After-School Tutelage of Pai Mai PAI: Please, her fu man chu is a sign of her superior Asian work ethic. I wipe my ass with student of the month bumper stickers. Do not tell me how to raise my daughter. SUZY: I want to be like the other children, father. PAI: What? SUZY: Miss Howell is correct. If I am to grow, I must be able to connect with my peers. To reach out and touch them without making their hearts explode. PAI: That’s it! I’m sending you to private school.
	Weak Show BARKER: Step right up. Step right up and witness the most gruesome, the most shocking collection of human oddity the world has ever seen. A freak show, friends! Their impossible, twisted bodies a cruel testament to nature’s perversion. Surely God is dead, or at least very drunk, to allow such hopeless creatures to wander the Earth. (pointing to the one man in the crowd) You sir. You look like a brave man.